A Wolf

I have been feeling a little bit of relief since finding out that Juno probably, more than likely, was suffering from Lyme disease for a few years before her death. This means that although the decision to put her to sleep was probably not the best outcome at the end of the day, at least I now know the reason for her aggression and that it was not because she was a ‘bad dog’ or was totally uncontrollable/untrainable. She was amazing with her family; protected us to the very end and only saw red with other dogs, which we tried to keep her away from as much as possible. Her behaviour was totally baffling but knowing she probably had Lyme disease makes it perhaps a little more easier to understand. I still feel much sadness, guilt and dismay that neither I nor the vets had picked up on this very simple diagnosis and was able to treat her. I am starting to feel a little better, however; so much so, that the depression I had been feeling has lifted and the crying I had been doing on a daily basis has stopped. I feel more ‘settled’ in my own skin and the pain is subsiding.

A few nights ago, I had the strangest dream; it was so real, it actually felt as if what occurred actually happened. I don’t often have dreams like this but when I do, I feel very affected by them for a long time afterwards and I know that they have a huge significance in my life. I was ‘awoken’ by a feeling that something was coming towards me. I heard a voice say ‘a dog’ and got the impression that there were a few people/beings present in the room watching me. I turned and realised that a huge wolf had just lay down by my right side. He was silver and black and was nearly as long as me and his presence was very scary. His head was right next to mine and his massive back arched above me. I had the urge to turn back over and get away from him, whereupon he switched over to my left side and lay down there. I half-woke up shortly after that in a sweat, feeling scared because of the vividness of it all, thinking it was a nightmare. Quite soon, when I had settled down a bit, I went back to sleep.

As I woke up again for the morning, I immediately recalled the dream and understood that it was Juno coming back to lie down in the place she always liked to be in; stretched out right next to me. She was now a wolf, a big (in fact huge) wolf. I also understood that this was the reincarnation she had been looking forward to during her life with us. I then had an image of her running wild in a deep forest with a pack of wolves and it made me feel very proud in bittersweet way. This is what she had wanted, I knew without doubt. I had the feeling that she had now served her ‘purpose’ with me and my family and as soon as I had found out the cause of her aggression, Lyme, six months after her death, she left. I often would hear the words ‘set me free’ when I thought she was nearby and now I know that this was what she wanted more than anything.

Since then, I have had images of her leading the pack as the Alpha Male. I know that she is a beautiful, strong, intelligent, fierce and loyal leader and will have great success with her pack, which I get the impression is far away from human habitation. I feel a such a release; happier than I have been in the last six months and so very glad that at last, she is free.

When I was pregnant with my first daughter almost exactly 17 years ago, the night before I gave birth, I had the impression that a wolf was sitting at the bottom of my bed, there to look over me whilst my daughter was being born. I had never felt anything so real since my childhood visions of wolves pacing up and down outside my bedroom door (yes it seems to be a recurring theme and boy, did they seem real back then). When my second daughter was born, nearly 14 years ago, on a snowy December night, I heard a fox screech continuously outside the window. I now wonder if these are all one and the same creature; a reincarnation of many wolves and foxes all linking to my real dog companion (and protector) Juno. I have the feeling that they are.

I will still always be in contact with Juno; with the wolf that now roams that deep forest somewhere far away. The connection can never be broken and maybe, just maybe one day in the future my beloved will send me another dog or even a real wolf to look over me again.

I look forward to that day.